7 Ways to Open Up & Positively Change Your Life

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.” (Stephen King)

For as long as I can remember I was always hiding something. Whether I was hiding it from myself, or hiding it from my family and friends, there was always a piece of me kept far away that I wished not to reveal. My subconscious would ruminate on it for hours, days, months, even years. It would capture my entirety and I never felt whole. This was especially so during my teen years. But when I got to University and started seeing a counselor, I began to learn the importance of opening up.

To this day I'm not afraid to talk to anyone, even strangers, about my anxiety disorder, disordered eating, or any other issue I've faced or am currently facing. I learned that most of us are facing these same exact challenges and feeling quite alone.  This is a major reason I started this blog. To help others to feel unafraid to open up about what they are facing, and to help them feel less alone. As Stephen King mentions above, "When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear". But of course, simply opening up is easier said than done. So the following is a list of 7 ways to open up and positively change your life. 

1. Wait for the right moment. This can be tricky, but look for the moments when you are with your friends and family and the conversation has come to place of silence and say, "So.. I need to tell you something, and it's something very personal, so I need you to just be a listening ear. Can you do that?" Of course they will look concerned. That's a given. But you need to get this out and you need to have their approval before you lay, whatever it is, on them. If they say no, don't feel alarmed. Try and try again.

2. Rehearse. Really think about what it is you want to say and how you want to say it. It will make you more comfortable when the time comes and when you begin to shake your motor memory will take over.

3. Don't rehearse your audience's response. When given very heavy and emotionally laden news people respond very differently. Some people laugh, some people cry, and some people don't do anything at all. No matter what their response, having an expectation to how they will respond will make you feel disappointed, more tense, or even scared if it doesn't turn out exactly as you expect. Just stick with what you have to say and let them respond how they will.

4. Accept that sometimes people will not understand. When I was explaining to a friend of mine about depression, she simply didn't get it. Her response was, "just get happy". This is possibly the most annoying comment to make to someone who is depressed, because if they could "just be happy" they would, but they can't. With that being said, I didn't end my friendship with her because I suddenly couldn't be completely open with her. Instead I understood that she had never been through depression, or known anyone who had and simply couldn't make sense of it. I now have opportunities to speak with her regarding what it means, but by no means do I go to her for support. It's just a risk you have to be aware of and be willing to take. Don't let it bring you down, keep going.


5. Vent in any form possible. This can be through talking, blogging, vlogging, writing in a diary, creating a podcast, drawing, WHATEVER! Just keep venting. A major key to coming to terms with whatever you are withholding from the world is getting it out into the open. Even if no one hears you, even if no one seems to really able to help, the more you vent about it  the smaller it will seem, and the better you will feel. So keep venting.

6. Be someone else's listening ear. Much of the time we are so caught up in ourselves that we forget other people are facing things too. Listen, console, help. Even if you don't know how to, just being physically present with someone as they try and deal with something can help a TON! As well, listening can help us see ourselves through outside eyes. Though you may not be facing the same thing as them, you can relate in terms of fear, loneliness, being lost, and needing help. As well, your kindness may be reciprocated.

7. Let go of shame. Especially with the increase of social media, this world can make anyone feel that they are the only one facing something. As my favorite pastor, Steven Furtick has said "We struggle with insecurity because we are comparing our behind-the-scenes to everyone else's highlight reel". We need to realize that everyone is facing something, and no one's problems are greater or less great than someone else's. For one person their issue may be loss of their job, for another it may be a death in the family, and for yet another it can be moving away from home. Whatever issue it is someone is facing it, and to them it is a very hard and turmoil time. Therefore, never let someone tell you that you shouldn't be upset about whatever you are facing. It may not be hard for them if they were in your shoes, but it is hard for you and that's reason enough to feel so low. Don't let anyone increase your sense of turmoil by making you feel like you shouldn't be upset or scared.

Always remember, no matter what you are facing, speak up, be a listening ear, and allow yourself to feel whatever it is your feeling. ALL emotions are there for a reason, feel them, and don't let anyone make you feel shame for having emotions.

Don't forget: You're beautiful,

HayleyKaye :)

I LOVE Rainy Days!

Happy Monday everyone! Today in Michigan it is raining.... and I LOVE it!!

My backyard. The big splashes are from the water pouring out of our eve-trough. 

The quietness of the world taking shelter, the cool breeze, and the way my "Epic Soundtrack" Pandora station fits perfectly into the the background making everything feel 10x's more awesome, is the best feeling in the world.

I always feel more productive on rainy days too. It's like, for the first time, I don't have a gorgeous sunny day to distract me and make me feel like I'm missing out on something. On a rainy day I have to stay in. I can choose to cuddle up with my favorite novel, watch a good movie, or just update my blog -- like I am right now ;).

Rain also brings with it changes of seasons. The earth's green hue grows richer. The temperatures increase. The leaves grow on the trees. A new chapter for the world is brought it. It's a wonderful experience to see how much a part of the earth we are, as we too are going through changes in our lives.

What's your favorite type of weather and why? Leave it in the comments, or don't forget to tweet me @hayleykaye1234

Don't forget: You're beautiful.

HayleyKaye :)

Introducing Leah Rebecca: My Freshman Year Roommate

Serving as a Resident Assistant on my campus for two years I have heard all the stories about how horrible moving in blind can be. Stories from their roommate stealing their things, to having sex above them. Nothing can surprise me. But I'm here to say, moving in blind isn't always a bad thing, sometimes it can be the very best!

This picture was taken by my mom moment after meeting my new roommate Leah Rebecca.

From the very beginning my Freshman year roommate and I were two completely opposite people. Leah was a city girl, an only child, who had a massive family that came in droves to move her in and stayed a week. I was a country girl, the youngest of three, and a part of a small family that left quickly once my things were out the car. It wasn't until we began talking, however, that we learned more of our differences. Leah loved science and had always wanted to become a food scientist. She was also Jewish, LOVED the color blue, and needed everything to be in its straight order. I, on the other hand, was all about the arts, but still wasn't quite sure what I wanted to major in. I was also a Christian, tended to purchase a lot of pink, and liked a bit of chaos. Despite our differences we were each other's first introduction to college and we gripped onto that.

Leah and I at our first football game together Freshman year.

Leah and I were actually able to move in together a week before anyone else because we had both decided to work in our school's cafeteria and had to go through orientation. This gave us a chance to get to know one another and the campus without the pressure of school.  Our first night we came up with a list of three things every new roommates should start by figuring out:

1. Bed time

2. How to not stick out as freshmen

3. How to stick out as being awesome

The first, bed time, was decided as 10 PM. I can tell you that never once happened. It's still a running joke between us that we ever thought it was possible. But hey, you can't blame us for trying!

The second, not showing our newb status, was decided by taking a walk to every area of campus before our first day. This turned out to be extremely helpful and I would recommend it to anyone! Turned out we actually had the same first class together (Math 103 at 8 AM) and because of our prior tour of campus started out college right on time, in the right location (without a map!), and sitting front row. We thought we were pretty great.

The final step, sticking out as being awesome, we decided would be completed by winning the "best room on campus" contest. We came up with a million and one ways to do our room,  but it turns out nothing can make tiled flooring and creme colored walls look appealing. 

After the week of training and getting acclimated around campus, life started happening and we just took everything one day at a time. The best piece of advice I can give to new roommates is to talk about everything. Leah and I were both strong in our separate faiths, but because we were willing to talk about it and open to hearing the other out we learned a lot about faith from one another. We of course knew our faith's differences, but we also learned our many similarities. Our conversation's not only grew me stronger in my religious understandings, but grew me into a better person. I'll always be thankful for those late night conversations.

Freshman year was filled with new beginnings for both of us, and we were really able to share our high's and low's with one another. Leah joined a sorority, got a crush on a guy, and  was learning how to handle living so far away from home for the first time. I was trying out many new organizations, fell head over heels for a guy, and was trying to figure out how to make lasting relationships on a campus so large. For Leah and I both, we hated our jobs at the cafeteria and made a pact to quit ASAP. It turned out to be quite a year that I would never forget. (You can even check out a funny video we made as procrastination during final's week here.) I even remember when Leah's dad came to pick her up. I was crying over not wanting it to end. Luckily we decided to room together again during Sophomore year in the newest dorms on campus!

I certainly can't say our relationship wasn't all peaches and creme however. We definitely had our share of disagreements. Three pieces of advice: 

1. Never decide to change the room around the day before a test.

2. Changing a room around will never "just take an hour"

3. Sister's before misters.. always. 

A few months into our Sophomore year Leah and I both concluded that our room needed a make over. This, of course, was in the mists of studying for tests we had the next day. Coming up with a sure fire idea of how to adjust our room, we thought it would only take an hour and then we would be back to studying. Unfortunately, it didn't take an hour. In fact, it took more than 8 hours. Here's a hint to everyone changing their rooms: measure before beginning. I can't tell you how many ways we tried to change our room that simply did not work due to failed eye-guessing measurements. By the end of it we were getting so frustrated with not having the room completed, and the increasing pressure of needing to study that we exploded at one another. It wasn't a shining moment for either of us, but from it we learned what each other's breaking points are, and to never reach them again. 

Leah and I our Senior year for the ROSE BOWL in California!

On a different note, during the middle of the second semester of our Sophomore year Leah met a boy. I'll be honest as I was with her, from the beginning I never liked him. I knew she could do better and I never felt that he really respected her. By the end of Sophomore year they were dating, and I wouldn't say we exactly had a "falling out" but there was certainly distance. Most nights I was left alone in my room as she slept over at his place, so I rarely saw her. When we did see one another we tried not to step on each other's toes by bringing him up, but it was very difficult. I wanted to support her in her relationship, but I couldn't bare him. Knowing that it was important to her, I would hang out with them as often as he would allow (yes, when HE would allow...). I knew the next year would be different as I was going to become and RA in a different dorm and she would be moving in to her sorority's house. Saying goodbye to that year was hard, but I think we were both ready for the change. Piece of advice: No matter how great your roommate is, living in a 12X12 room with one other person is hard. 

During our Junior year Leah was fully involved in her sorority house, her relationship, and school. I was completely occupied with being an RA, leading a few organizations, and school. We still made time for one another and had hang out sessions between classes. It was great seeing her so happy with everything and I still felt closer to her than anyone else on campus, despite anything that may have gone on the year before. We were sister's, even if it meant that we didn't see each other every day, nothing would get in the way of our sisterhood. 

To this day I say to everyone I meet, your freshman year roommate really can go from being a person you co-habitat with to being your BEST friend. Yes, Leah and I made a million and one great memories during our years living together, but Senior year proved it.

Our Senior year was the hardest/craziest/toughest/best year either of us had ever gone through. First, Leah's boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with her out of the blue. She had given him everything and was even planning on moving with him following graduation when he just slammed the door in her face. She was devastated and lost. I hated seeing her like this. I had no helpful words except my sheer presence, which I offered daily. We would text late into the night and remind one another of all the great things our futures could now hold. From it she was able to remember the dream she had since she was little girl, to move to Israel and join the army. I'm so excited to announce that in exactly 7 months she'll be doing just that!

Second, a very close friend of mine was killed in a car crash. Leah was out when I called, but as soon as she found out she rushed over with our other best friend Rita and stayed with me the whole night. They had a million other things they could have been doing, but instead they stayed up with me talking, watching movies, and eating pizza. Even throughout the weekend they allowed me to get away and stay at their place. I can never thank them enough for their kindness and generosity that night and the many nights to come. 

Third, Leah and I flew across the country to California to watch our school win the Rose Bowl (pictured above)! It was a once in a lifetime, full circle experience. It was with Leah whom I went to my first college football game with. And it was with Leah I watched my last football game as a student all the way in California!! 

Fourth and finally, we graduated. We both cried for one another as we walked across the stage, shaking hands with our college's dean and receiving our diploma. It was in that moment we could look back at all the up's and down's we had had in college and see how each of us had been there for one another throughout every experience. I honestly can't imagine having gone through college without her. As for the future? I don't know where our futures will take us, but I know that we will stay friends. She will always be a part of my life, no matter how far we get separated, no matter how long we don't talk. 

Leah and I in our cap and gown in front of the room where it all began (A428 Bailey Hall)

So no, I can't say going in blind will always work out. In fact, I can't even say you two will end up friends. But I can say that if you stick it out, keep an open dialogue, and fight through all the bad times, your Freshman year roommate may just become your very best friend.

Love you Leah Rebecca!

HayleyKaye :)

College Is Over

This is possibly the strangest feeling I've ever felt. There is a sense of completion and accomplishment that comes along with finalizing a college degree, but then there is a huge sense of terror. I, like so many college graduates, have absolutely no idea what I am going to be doing with my future. For most of us, this is a first.

 From the first start of kindergarten we have this entire "education" road in front of us. Each school year we yearn for summer vacation's arrival. We count down the days until we no longer have tests to study for and papers to write but can just enjoy the freedom of making memories with our friends. During grade school summer's meant doing what we've been waiting to do without anything standing in our way. We would jump up and down from excitement as the last bell rang and summer was finally here. But in the back of our minds we knew we would be back next year, we knew the routine.

Now the routine is over. There are no more papers, or tests for forever, if I so choose. Instead of getting excited about making memories with my friends, this summer will be spent searching for a job as my friends scatter across the world (literally). I keep asking myself, "where did the time go?"

I can still remember my first day of orientation. I remember looking out the window of the empty dorm room they put us in for the night and thinking, "there is no way I can do this." I didn't believe I would make friends on a campus with more than 40,000 students. I didn't believe I could find a niche or even pass a class. It wasn't a lack of self-confidence, for that I had, more, it was a lack of understanding. I had yet to understand how college really worked, how small campus would really feel, or even how classes weren't horrible. I had yet to understand that in these four year I would make the most incredible friends, I would strengthen my faith and trust in God, I would develop my own major for a topic a remain passionate about, I would graduate with High Honors and as the Outstanding Senior Award recipient. But with just one small foot in front of the other, I eventually did come to understand, and now it's over.

As cliche as it may be, the saying "every day nothing seems to change, but when we look back everything is different" sums up college completely. I came into college timid and doubtful. Throughout my time though I grew to dominate this university and truly leave my mark. I was a member of over 5 organizations and was on the board for two of them. I was a part of two honor societies and the Honor's College. I was a Resident Assistant. I consistently held two jobs. I held an almost perfect 4.0 GPA. I interned. I developed programs that made an impact. But beyond regurgitating my resume to you all, what I at school goes much beyond these titles. What I did was grow into a person who understood her place at university and the universities place in the world. My mind was greatly expanded and I truly feel like, for the first time, I know how to think. But so what?
"So what?" is the feeling I have now that I'm about to embark in the real world. All my accomplishments, all the things I have learned are great, but they aren't worth much in the real world.

When I was in High School I was so involved I consistently had the most pictures in the yearbook. I didn't think that was possible to do when I got to college, but I did it here too. You can't do that in the real world, and by that meaning, you can't be involved in a million different things and hang out with a great diverse group of people all the time. Instead you're confined to your work majority of the time. Yes, you can volunteer, you can get involved in your church or community, but again the majority of the time is spent at your job, so you better pick something you LOVE! Well this is my pickle that I thought college would determine.

I can remember when I was younger thinking that people who were in their twenties or college students had it all together. They knew exactly what they wanted to do and how they were going to do it and everything was perfect. Boy, could I have been further from the truth? Even though most of my friends know exactly what they are going to do, most are still just getting jobs that are segue before they actually find something they love. Then there are my other friends who are almost in the same boat as me, completely lost and don't want to make the wrong move.

While I was at university I created my own major titled "Media's Effects on Women". I'm a girl who is all about empowering women through teaching media literacy. My collegiate career has been dedicated to understanding the challenges women face worldwide and how to over come them. In conversation I'm never shy of calling out a sexist comment, or questioning why someone is calling themselves "fat". I love the conversations that follow and the awakening of gender inequality that is still amongst us. But do I love it enough to make it a career? Even if I did, how do I even begin? Am I even qualified enough? Sure, I've spent the last four years dedicated to learning about this from sociological, psychological, and media perspectives, but am I really worthy enough to be a face of it?

This list of questions may sound awfully self-critical and disparaging but I want to be honest with you and tell you what is really going through a college graduate's head. The truth is, for the first time in our lives, we don't know what is in store for us and if we are really capable of handling it. When you are in High School people always say that in college no one is there to hold your hand and help you get through. That's a lie. There is always a hand willing to help you, if you look for it. This statement however, should be re-written for the real world. In the real world you really do have to fend for yourself. Yes, there will be people along the way to help you, but you are going to have to decide things for yourself, so you better be up for that challenge. For some, this is an awesome revelation. For me, this is absolutely terrifying.

So I ask you to come with me. I'm not sure where this blog is going to head, because I don't really know where my life is heading, but I know that it will be an interesting ride. So comment or leave questions, and following me on Twitter and YouTube. I'm gathering all my strength in saying, "I'm excited to see where this journey God has placed me on is going to go!"