It has been two days since I've graduated and it has already become quite the challenge.
First, my room is completely stuffed with my life from high school and now my life from college. Neither of these lives are who I am any more, or who I can be. I'm a 23 year old adult who can't live in the past and must figure out the future. I must make a goal and go toward it. Having a room that is filled with the past is preventing me from doing this. So how do I start over?
Second, home hasn't changed. Not like I could have expected it to, but without my siblings and myself here my parents seem to have gotten use to doing things with freedom, so to speak. They go to their business every day and leave when they feel, going to gamble, or sight-seeing, or whatever they please until whenever they feel is necessary. I almost feel in the way now, or like I'm holding them back from finally living their lives. They, of course, would never say that to me, but still they didn't exactly expect to have kids living in their house again. So I feel I must move on. But where?
Third, I don't know how to move out and on. For those of you who don't know me, I have a very severe anxiety disorder and OCD. Any little thing that can go wrong with a person I know about and believe I have. It's kind of like hypochondria, where I hear about a disease/allergic reaction/physical ailment and believe I could possibly be showing symptoms and then ruminate on it until I have a panic attack. This isn't fun, and it's very easy for an outsider to say "well know that you don't have that issue and get over it", but it's not that simple. My OCD is all based on thoughts, I obsessively ruminate on them. My only solution is to have someone I know around me. This is EXTREMELY complicated most of the time. It wasn't very hard in college because I lived in the dorms and someone was always there. Now that I'm on my own and my friends have moved away, I have to depend on my parents to be supportive of me and help me through my attacks. Hence, why I can't move out.
I feel very trapped in my life right now. I want to go out and move across the country and do so many things, but my anxiety disorder hinders me from that. I want to be able to cope and know how to handle it on my own, but again, it's much easier said than done. I have lived in my own apartment before and it has only increased my problems. I'd spend many nights calling my mom and crying over the high intensity of fear I was experiencing and feeling like I couldn't get out because there was no one around to be with me. I know I can't depend on people my whole life to be around, so I'm very lost on how to make the next move. I don't want this to be my life, but it is what is, now how do I deal?
If you have any suggestions, or are experiencing the same thing, please feel free to comment below. You're all amazing!
Hayley Kaye :)
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